Category Archives: Dispatches from Inner Space

Exploring the intersection between imagination and everyday life, the inner space that alerts us to find our own power…

Hitchhiking Through Europe When I was Nineteen

Woman on a journey walking through a field carrying an open black umbrella and a satchel.

Taking a grand tour by hitchhiking through Europe was a romantic vision I’d had since childhood. Before my third year at a university in New England, I made it a reality. I would spend two months touring in September and October before spending a year with English relatives in the town where I had been born.

The roadblocks and obstacles I met up with in Europe while walking so many miles and catching trains now and again should have stopped me in my tracks. Yet I was fearless when the path unexpectedly changed into a sudden unknown.

Maybe that was because I was too young to worry and had the sense I was invincible. But I do know that at nineteen, I found everything enchanting. Everything was an adventure, even when it threatened to derail me.

Hitchhiking brought me new worlds to discover. Back then, it was safe to do this. Many young students went traveling on foot. I never had a qualm about it, never gave it a second thought. My journey was at a time when there was a kind of serenity in Europe. It was the late sixties and we were on the cusp of a world that was shifting, but the year I went abroad, none of the pending changes were visible. We were in a kind of bubble of optimism.

I had a friend with me from my high school years, both of us from a small town that could just as easily be called Mayberry. We were real innocents abroad when we started out.

Our first stops were through France — to Paris and Lyon and down to Menton and Nice. Strangely, I recall very little of those places, though we did have the iconic croissant and coffee at a Parisian Cafe. The French tended to rebuff Americans in general and we couldn’t speak French very well, at all.

A major goal was to reach Italy and see Florence and Venice and maybe get to Rome.

Youth hostels were where we stayed at night and they were a godsend. Without them, I’d never have been able to manage my grand tour. They offered accommodation for fifty cents to a dollar and they existed all over Europe. They were usually just small, barrack-like buildings, though if you were lucky you might discover one offered in a castle, like an early form of Airbnb, only without any amenities.

You needed to have your own sleeping sheet and the hostels had no food and were closed between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. If it rained, you and your backpack either found a library that welcomed foreign students or a cafe that let you spend a couple of hours over one cup of coffee.

Youth Hostel in France

Youth Hostel — Auberge de jeunesse de Brive-la-Gaillarde

But I found camaraderie in those hostels. Students from around the world gathered in the evenings to share their stories while we nibbled on bread and cheese. At a hostel in Nice, with the sun setting on the azure sea outside, some of the backpackers shared their bottles of wine with the rest of us.

Almost everyone knew some English at the hostels, which astonished me, but made my side of the conversation possible. Those were joyous times, but even when people asked me to join them as they explored more of Europe, I chose to stay on my intended journey.

The first roadblock happened in Como, Italy. We walked through the town and met some very entertaining Italian boys who knew English. With them, we explored small streets and had lunch in a restaurant and their hope was we’d join them on a boat ride on Lake Como the next day.

I see myself now standing near the lake as my backpacking companion explained she was stopping there because she’d met an Italian lover and wanted to stay with him. We had over a month left in our planned exploration of Europe.

Somehow, I had to make my way back to the Calais ferry, alone. It would take me across the English Channel to Dover. That was over 500 miles as the crow flies and 650 miles by bus, train, and walking. I was nineteen years old.

It was so startling to me. She had just met him. We both had boyfriends back in America. What was she going to tell hers? I couldn’t believe she was doing this and had no concern for what would happen to me.

Yet, at the same time, I felt undaunted. Looking back, that seems the strangest thing of all. But the journey meant everything to me, and I wasn’t going to let it end there. I had the absolute belief —despite the fact I had spent my entire life in that small town— that I would be okay. Why? I have no idea. But I do remember feeling I was on the edge of a great adventure.

A lake is surrounded by mountains. A town is visible in the distance rising up from the lake. There is a peninsula with a building and trees in the foreground.

Lake Como

I had to scrap the original itinerary and headed west on my own to Turin, just over one hundred miles away from Como, happily finding a train I could afford, albeit a very slow train. As I walked up the stairs out of the Turin station and stepped onto a wide plaza, loudspeakers were playing Shirley Bassey singing “Goldfinger.” It was so exotic to me, the convergence of the song in English and all the Italian voices on that plaza.

I took it as a sign, a good omen.

Turin, though, was just a stopover on my goal to reach Switzerland. I had to get to the Zurich bank where my parents were sending me additional money (I hoped). I would soon be desperate without that since I was paying for everything on my own without my friend along to share expenses.

I began hitchhiking out of Turin and a trucker offered me a ride into Switzerland and I took it. We passed through northern Italy and into the Alps. He suddenly stopped on the St. Gotthard Pass where there was no traffic and said that was as far as he could take me. He pointed to an icy road beyond and said just around the curve of it, about a mile away, was an inn. Then he just shrugged and turned the truck around and drove back the way we came.

The switchback road down the Gotthard Pass in snowy Swiss mountains

Gotthard Pass

What made me cross that ice field on foot without so much as a moment’s hesitation? I do know the action of the truck driver was a great mystery, but somehow, I wasn’t afraid.

After walking half a mile, I could see the vast switchback road of Gotthard Pass below leading to a town. The map I carried with me suggested I was not far from the town of Hospental. I also saw the inn nearby, an old 13th-century structure that from what I could tell might have served as a waystation to traveling monks.

When I reached it, I found it was serving as a temporary home to a squadron of Swiss reservists, most of whom found the idea of an American girl in their midst filled with possibilities. I had not encountered before the kind of predatory behavior some soldiers displayed, but the owner of the inn was protective. A bus came early the next morning and took me to Hospental where I could get the train for Zurich.

At the bank in Zurich, I discovered my parents had sent only thirty dollars by Western Union, which converted to even less money in Swiss francs. I still had over 500 miles to go! I never asked them why they sent so little, but my guess is they just didn’t know what I was doing, not really, and they didn’t know, of course, that my friend, who they also had known for years, had chosen another path.

But I heard the bells ringing across Zurich, a thrilling moment that was mesmerizing. I can still hear them as they were on that cool, early autumn day. The hour the bells chime is known to travelers from all over the world as a “mighty cacophony.”

After leaving Zurich, I hitchhiked the hundred or so miles to Germany. My destination was Freiburg im Breisgau, a city I vowed to see in honor of my father. He had flown in a Flying Fortress B17 and was stationed there for a few weeks in that war-torn city after WWII ended, and he spoke of the Black Forest often, how it had been a place of respite in Nature for many on both sides, in the aftermath.

Hikers in the Black Forest of Freiburg

The Black Forest

In the Freiburg youth hostel, I was shocked awake, unforgettably, at 5 a.m. by loudspeakers blasting the opening chords of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony. I decided my best course now was to get back to the English Channel and take the ferry from Calais to Dover and on to London, where my relatives lived. I would be staying near them for the next eight months.

I reached France from Freiburg after a long day of more hitchhiking, and it was late afternoon. I had no idea what town I had walked into, and couldn’t find a youth hostel nor anyone who spoke English there.

Daylight was fading. Seeing a small, narrow river that ran through the edge of the town, I sat on some boulders and watched the water flow over the rocks and listened to the sound of it. I wondered if I might have to sleep on the riverbank.

A stone wall on the left and a stream running over rocks.

But something drove me back into the town and after walking for an hour more, I found a small inn that charged remarkably close to what a youth hostel would have cost.

Not long after sunrise, I began hitchhiking again until I reached Dijon, which I hardly visited before getting on the three-hour train to Reims in northern France. From there, I would catch a final train to Calais and end my journey.

To my dismay, after buying that train ticket to Reims, I had two dollars left and had to use some of that for food. I had a return ticket for the ferry back across the English Channel, but still, there would be no way to pay the train fare for the 167 miles to Calais where the ferry was docked.

Goodness knows what I was thinking — or not thinking, but when I arrived at Reims, I went up to the train ticket seller in his booth and said some words I did know: Je n’pas d’argent (I have no money). He shook his head, not without sympathy, but turned away and left the booth.

To my astonishment, three students happened to be there, two young men and a young woman, and they overheard me. They invited me to stay with them in their apartment on the Reims University campus.

Architecture of a building at Reims University

Reims University

Reims University

It was a welcoming visit in both spirit and fact. The young woman even practiced a bit of English for my benefit. And they took me to see Frank Sinatra in Von Ryan’s Express, with the French dubbed in, but as it was an American action film, I didn’t need much translation.

The only reason I was able to leave Reims the next day was because these students gave me enough money to get the train to Calais. They told me to feel no worries about paying them back. But it was my joy weeks later to be able to return that sum to them, and so honor their spontaneous and generous warmth and help.

After crossing the English Channel, getting on the train from Dover to London was a high point for me. It signaled the journey was done and it also meant that the year of my new life in England with my relatives was beginning.

At the same time, I felt I had been blessed with everything. The students were angels met unexpectedly. So had been all the places I had entered and encountered for a little while. Each one brought me experiences I never planned or imagined, all the different languages and architecture and people who brought their worlds into my ken.

From that time on, traveling on my own most of the time has been my chosen path and given me grand voyages of discovery.

And I know this — there have always been angels every step of the way.

Train from Dover to London

Dover to London Train

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Insane Asylums and the Black Death

Front of an insane asylum, red-bricked with turrets and chimneys and fenced in, under a darkened sky

Several years ago, I wrote about some of my experiences visiting the mentally ill in a state hospital, formerly an insane asylum, and the sudden feeling of urgency I had to tell that story. I ended up doing research for it I had never dreamed of encountering. Horror stories of their own.

Though I already knew of what had happened to the people living in insane asylums— defined as patients but more often as inmates — I had not grasped the full meaning of it all. I did not understand how such things could happen near where I lived or anywhere in my country. Until I did that research.

Surely such things were possible outcomes of wars, not of ordinary life?

I see the problem of homelessness we face now, a wretched existence for so many. We must surely be mad to spend billions on weapons of war and deny homes to those who need them, to deny care to those who cannot care for themselves.

How far can we go in this way?

What can I do, myself, now, to help?

I have no idea. Most certainly our Congress, government, and justice departments do not show a dram of interest in the homeless. Unless they disrupt the lives of those of us who are not so afflicted. Then we clamor for the homeless, most of whom are mentally ill, to be removed.

When I read horror stories of the Black Death in 1348, I was overwhelmed. One-third of Europe’s population was killed by a virus brought by rats on trading ships from Asia. Those who were left, so personal accounts from the time describe, wandered in a surreal landscape, everything lost. Everything was destroyed, no food or water, no one to help.

Bruegel the Elder painted his vision of the Black Death in a painting I owned a copy of for a long time:

 

The Triumph of Death by Pieter Bruegel the Elder. 1562 (Museo del Prado — Public Domain)

 

 

 

 

Many of those who survived experienced severe dissociation and madness and extreme symptoms of what now we would call PTSD. (A remarkable book by Rosemary Horrox, part of the Manchester Medieval Studies, gives personal accounts she unearthed of the Black Death. These can be read for free HERE.)

In the similar surreal world that is life for our homeless, I wager the landscape is equally bewildering. They live within a fear that is never gone, an awareness of abandonment that is never removed. And physical needs of love and affection that are never met.

During The Black Death people shunned one another. So do we now shun the homeless, and so consign the afflicted to another world we ask to be kept far from our own. This desire has become intensified and calls for the re-establishment of insane asylums though with more benign names, have surfaced and are growing. Put them away, out of sight.

Here I would say if we did in fact do such a thing, we would create a travesty on a national scale and to our eternal detriment.

The homeless deserve our compassion, not our repulsion. They require our help, not our distaste and indifference.

And we do not want the legacy of insane asylums–such a dark history– to be repeated. Do we?

Here is the article where I tell the true stories of what happened in so many of those asylums, including the one where I volunteered. 


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Why Are You Here, Do You Know?

Why are you here

What path are you on? When you wake in the morning do you sense the vitality of your own being? Do you believe you are blessed in this life? Why are you here? Do you know why you have chosen the course you are on?

Most of the time our answers to these questions are uncertain. It is as if the human condition has mandated we need to doubt our own presence and purpose in and on this earth, as if perhaps we do not really belong here.

Nothing is further from the truth. Your presence is the evidence of your right to be here. You belong because you exist. You are blessed because you exist. Your purpose is to hold the awareness you have a right to exist.

Yet you strive to find an exact reason for your life. You want to have absolute clarity on how to go forward on a straight path into your destiny. But life is not a straight line. It is more a winding road with side trails and dense places and hills to climb and skies to see. It is about listening to the rain on a summer evening. It is about being with people you love. It is about knowing where you feel happiness.

The doing comes out of all that.

Your presence confirms your right to be, to live, to love.

It is out of that awareness you create the rest of your life. And its center is joy.

There is no other way.

 

(Image courtesy of  jplenio from Pixabay)

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What Receives Your Attention?

What receives your attention? Chester Zoo by Nigel Swales

Meerkats Looking in All Directions

Where we put our attention determines the quality of our life. What occupies your thoughts most of the time? Do you know where you are going with these thoughts? Or are you looking in all directions for some sign of what’s going on?

We live in a world changed by the discoveries of quantum physics, that is, by the realization that our consciousness exists before anything else can come into being. Indeed, it is our consciousness that drives our actions to manifest material reality.

Forms of Consciousness

Three forms of consciousness exist: There is our everyday alert thinking process, there is our subconscious mind, and there is the deep, ineffable consciousness that is God–All That Is embedded in and directing the vast, mysterious,  extraordinary universe of which we are a part, and beyond.

We give attention to each form in very different ways.

Choosing Awareness

You know your everyday thoughts, the ones that pull and push at you. You know how to focus on a task at hand, or how to multi-task if you need to. You know what you spend too much time doing, whether that is using electronic devices or procrastinating or dwelling on negative thoughts. You also know the times when you experience love and joy and beauty all around you and give your attention there. But have you noticed that you have chosen–always–whatever thoughts and feelings you have?

Thus, you choose your everyday conscious state of mind, every time, every moment. You also choose to keep it for a long or brief period, according to what motivates you practically, emotionally, and mentally to move forward or to stay where you are day to day.

Working with the Subconscious Mind

The subconscious mind is different. Cognitive neuroscientists have demonstrated that the subconscious mind controls 95% of our thoughts–meaning we are unaware of 95% of what is going on in us, in our minds, driving our behavior. A familiar way to describe and explain this is to ask yourself why you are doing or thinking something, anything at all. There is a quick surface answer that comes to mind, yes, but is it the whole story?

Exploring Your Own Train of Thought

Not by a long shot. Try this exercise–write down a thought you have and why you have it. Ask (and write down) why you answered the way you did. Now ask why you answered the way you did the second time and repeat the process, writing down why you answered the way you did each time. When you have no more answers, you are probably very close to knowing the true reason you had the thought in the first place–you have gone into your subconscious to find out, and in the process of doing that, you are able to see beneath the everyday camouflage to the truth. This can often cause a shift in you that changes some aspect of your life in a positive way. Here is a short example of what I mean:

Thought: I am not good enough.
Why? I have not succeeded as I had hoped.
Why? Others were chosen over me at work.
Why? My boss doesn’t like me.
Why? I don’t always do what he wants.
Why? I hate my job.
Why? It isn’t what I wanted to do.
Why? I needed money so I took it, but I wanted to be a singer.
Why? Because that is where my heart is.
Why? Because that is who I really am.

Spiritual Consciousness

The third state of consciousness is the ineffable awareness and union with God. In this state, everything is answered. It is reached sometimes in meditation, or during peak moments in life, epiphanies, wherein for a split second, or sometimes longer, we sense the absolute power of God, aware we are not separate from the Love that is God. Sometimes, if and when we are willing, we know this state. Most often it happens in Nature, or in hearing an exquisite passage from a piece of music, or watching the joyful play of a child. We know when it happens, for it feels for a moment in our heart as if we have come home.

So I would ask again–what receives your attention?

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Our Dazzling Mistakes

Our Dazzling Mistakes

What is it we are meant to do in life–our mission, our destiny? How often we ask ourselves this question. It seems a reasonable curiosity. Yet an undercurrent lies beneath our asking, for most often we seek the answer from a specific  premise we hold, consciously or unconsciously — that whatever our purpose is, we must know it exactly, it must be perfect, and we must do it perfectly, or we have somehow failed.  We seek to be like the perfect circle in the image above, not like the variations that surround it.

Nothing is further from the truth. It is because of our dazzling mistakes along the way that our journey of life is fulfilled in heart, mind, body, and soul.

If we are fighting for physical survival moment by moment we are not likely to spend time on such thoughts at all. But if we have food and shelter and security, we are free, if we choose, to look beyond our experience and consider (or face) the questions:

“Who am I?”   “What am I here for?”

These are soul questions and meant to be answered amidst and even because of our human frailties, against the backdrop of our uncertainty. They are questions deriving from the heart, a yearning we have to align with our inherent divinity, our absolute coexistence with God.

Yet we feel, because we are not perfect (by our human standard), the greatest sense of loss and despair.

Imagine if instead we lived each day, each hour — every moment — in awareness of that divinity, trusting we are not only meant to be here, but that the world is better for our presence, no matter what our apparent “flaws” (variations) — that we are not a random or accidental occurrence, but an essential manifestation of LOVE by the universe.

What would happen then? What then would you do, and become?

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On Allowing Discernment

Our inclination to seek approval is a human one, wired into us. Fair enough, for we are by nature a gregarious tribe, a species that welcomes camaraderie and communication, which in turn offer the spirit of trust and friendship. What we may ignore or forget in our day-to-day experience is that we have a responsibility, a personal responsibility, to use discernment in how we relate to others, who we choose as close friends, and who we offer trust and friendship to in return.

Reacting to other people is oftentimes a reflex action, but with discernment — which is the faculty of using keen perception and assessment of things — that reflex slows down. We grow more aware of what we are doing and what our intention is. We become more aware of the people we are talking with, like talking with, or struggle to reach.

We know ourselves better by how we react to others.

Of course we are not going to enjoy the company of everyone we meet — that would be impossible. But we can observe whether our reaction to them is something worrying — a trigger that causes us to act with inner anger or resentment or judgment — or something with positive energy and even joy. By being willing to observe ourselves and our motivations, we stay open to what is really going on around us and in us. We can then discern what has value and what does not and which direction to take next, figuratively or practically.

It is critical to our health and well-being to know our own state of mind, to observe it, and to alter it if we are creating something negative. Very often our reaction to people has nothing to do with them and everything to do with our inner self.

Think of events that have occurred for you over the last week — how you felt, what you did, what others did. Is there any event you feel you could have managed more easily if you had not held or expressed a reflex reaction?

In difficult times, we can be inclined to let go of our own trust in what is true and our power to create favorable outcomes. That is when stress, anxiety, anguish, and heart pain  begin to enter in and affect us, drawn out of past or present emotional states.

Using discernment helps us retrieve those aspects we have given away by forgetting we have choices, and allows our best self to emerge and be sustained. It allows us to remember we can trust who we are.

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Memory or Presence–Which One Do You Want Most?

Our human selves — the selves we think we know, that is — are created in part through memory — what we remember and how we remember — and the key to memory lies in the feelings we attach to it, over and over. But there is also another way that happens when we let go of memories and negative feelings and live instead in the present moment, when we therefore invite Presence into our life. The significant thing about this is that there are no memories when we exist in the NOW.

Do we therefore cease to exist? No. We are a composite of all we have experienced from the first second of life and all the feelings we have created or enlisted to manage that life. So it is not that we forget anything that we have experienced — but in the NOW, there is no negative charge because there are no memories bringing their age-old sadness or regret or resentment or judgment or anything else that seems to define and trouble us.

That is why being in the present moment is so creative — there are no barriers, fixations, unhappiness — we feel one thing only — freedom in who we really are. No disguises, and no requirements, just our communion with the moment and whatever is occurring in that moment — the wind through the leaves on a tree, the sound of waves on a shore, the dog barking one street over, each sound and sight that is ongoing around us.

In this state of being there is nothing of the past, nothing of the future. We simply are who we are, and for as long as we can stay in that place, we experience a lightness of being we have never known before. The more we do it, the more often it appears, and gradually, that feeling of freedom comes upon us without effort.

We are here to realize this life is joy because it IS. WE are the joy. No need to prove it, defend it, seek it out. It is already present within us.

Let go of thought. Focus on your breathing, or put your hand on your heart. It stops the mind chatter. Listen and watch what is going on around you. Try this for just 30 seconds. Even 30 seconds is transforming. It invites us to experience life in the NOW even more.

Some say if we do this, then we do nothing at all — our lives stop. No. Sages have always described what happens next. Since we are allowing life to be a part of us as we are, not as we wish to be, we enter into cooperation with life, not resistance to it. This is what changes everything. Out of this comes a creativity and abundance that is free at last to show itself to us, and manifest what is uniquely ours to know and do and receive and give, in joy.

We are already One with the universe. Becoming present–inviting Presence–is how we know this is true.

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Why Do We Sabotage Ourselves?

Self Sabotage

Have you had the experience where something good happened and you feel you sabotaged the outcome by going in a different direction, taking action that didn’t seem to serve you at all? Have you wondered why?

It can be fear, yes — whether fear of success, or fear of failure, or fear you are not good enough, or that you are not worthy of good things. All that can apply, because those things beset most of us at one time or another. But maybe, just maybe, that is not always the whole story.

On the one hand, of course, it is like shooting ourselves in the foot — we end up losing a great opportunity, or a chance to live a dream, or to meet someone we admire, or achieve a goal desired.

On the other hand, sometimes, it could signal the seeds of a new awareness, our inner voice giving us insight into some greater knowledge — that whatever we are being offered is not what we need at that time, or truly want, or because in the end in our heart and spirit we know the direction, opportunity, or meeting presented to us is not part of the true destiny we are meant to create on earth in this incarnation. Over time, this voice can become stronger, if nurtured.

Being Conscious–or Unconscious

Life is all about choices — making them, rejecting them, being afraid of them. It all depends on how conscious we are of what we are doing. Do we react most of the time when things happen? Do we blame fate or fortune or other people or our parents or those who betrayed us or the unfairness of life for whatever outcome has occurred ? This is being unconscious.

What if, instead, we let ourselves step back and look at the larger picture? What if we chose awareness and took responsibility for what we see, knowing how we choose to act in any given situation will determine the outcome for us, more than anything else? Awareness is being conscious.

How Do We Become Aware?

This is a process that never stops — for we are on this earth to learn the truth and that is why it is such an extraordinary, unique, and blessed experience, no matter what happens.

But there are signs we can trust that we are becoming more aware, ensuring our choices are not self-sabotage after all, but an emerging wisdom.

These signs come from our subconscious mind deep within and are unmistakable, such as:

  • You want to know more about who you are.
  • You feel a restlessness, an energy rising that questions what is going on.
  • You sense a willingness to consider forgiving someone or something in your life.
  • You understand the meaning of the words “I’d rather be free than right.”
  • You find being in Nature often is more than a respite — it is a necessity for your spirit.
  • You sense a greater connectedness to a feeling of Oneness.

And the process, the learning, only expands. Life for you is no longer about being safe and more about being authentic to your true being.

That is when sabotaging your dreams becomes impossible. The rising inner voice is louder, and you listen more closely, and more often.

You begin to live the conscious life.

You allow yourself to become aware.

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Using Self-Doubt to Your Advantage

How can self-doubt be an advantage in our existence? Obviously it can be paralyzing, for we are afraid what we are doing is not the best or good or enough. We seem to fret about this often. We would readily say the last thing exploring the emotion of self-doubt brings us is happiness, right?

Maybe, but then again, maybe not. For it can also be a light in the mysterious and sometimes stormy path our life takes.

It is more than possible that self-doubt is there as something to explore intentionally, because everyone experiences it — like some code we have been given at birth to figure out. And it spurs us onward or stops us in our tracks. Our free will decides which way.

The most successful people in the world have self-doubt. Why? That is the point — and perhaps the advantage — the bridge into full wholeness of self. We are meant to take this winding journey of uncertainty because through it we learn to trust ourselves, to know our strength and purpose of will, to realize when something matters to us, and to keep doing what we are doing no matter what tries to stop us, including that inner, doubtful voice — the one that comes from ego, the one we use to compare ourselves with someone else, anyone else, except our own true voice.

You may have doubted yourself, but have you noticed that more often than not you have prospered in spite of that? It is called life, and it is shaped according to your desires, dreams, and courage. You are the arbiter, no one else.

Would you know what courage is if you had never been afraid? Would you be able to gather strength against the odds if you had never experienced failure and seen how you could rise from it like the phoenix?

Every time you go through self-doubt and push through to the other side, you are more than you were before. That is a good thing. Trust in who you are and who you are becoming.

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Billy the Kid Versus “Billy the Kid”–the Power of Legend

Billy the Kid--Public Domain--Ben Wittig

One of the most iconic figures that came out of stories of the Wild West was Billy the Kid, also known as William H. Bonney, a gunfighter who entered American folklore and inspired more than one tall tale. His life as a “desperado” has been described in books, film, music, and on stage. A television series ran two years in the early 1960s, depicting Billy as a pretty nice guy–a fabrication that appealed widely to audiences. In every depiction, he is followed by Sheriff Pat Garrett, the man who eventually shot and killed him in Fort Sumner, New Mexico. Billy was 21 years old.

Billy the Kid murdered eight people, lived for a time as a cattle rustler, and when he was first captured by Garrett managed to release himself from handcuffs and shackles, kill two deputies, and escape–some said singing on his horse on his way out. His crimes were written up by the New York Sun. His reputation was enhanced further when a bounty of $500.00 was put on his head. In today’s money, that is equivalent to $11,000.00.

Copland’s “Billy the Kid”

When Aaron Copland wrote his “Billy the Kid: Ballet Suite” in 1938, he saw it as “perception of the pioneer West, in which a figure such as Billy played a vivid role.” It is a marvelous piece, filled with folk tunes and cowboy songs woven into it, and hailed as the beginning of the unique “American sound” in classical music. The music romanticizes Billy, and only much later did Copland observe that had he known the real criminal mindset of Billy the Kid, he might not have written the music at all. But it is a grand piece, and we would be bereft without it. It is an old argument–is something of less value because of the premise that inspired it? Or does creativity require  a different dimension of judgment?

Why the Myth of the Cowboy”?

What is a more salient observation, though, is the question of why Americans have absorbed the myth of the gunfighter so absolutely. The degree has varied, but it is a myth that has never been forsaken.

Many years ago I worked on a grant for the National Endowment for the Arts about the last of the cowboys. In the course of it I went with others to Missouri and saw Jesse James’ homestead, a farmhouse that lay in the distance across an open field. I’d grown up watching westerns–it was a thrill to see that legendary place. But that is the power of myth–of believing something that was always in the distance, that sparked the imagination, and brought with a feeling of adventure and action and glamour. For that is exactly what the legends of the cowboys did–brought us into a world that didn’t exist, but we half wished did–a world where we never experienced the same routine, never stayed in one place, always had a new horizon ahead of us. That is the power of myth–that we can be more than we think we are.

But the Truth of It…

The truth of it is we have extolled, valued, remembered, and absorbed legends that belong to killers and thieves, a violent set of characters who lived larger than life, yes, but with the intent to do harm, whenever they had the chance. These were not nice people. For whatever reasons, they were damaged in some way, perhaps even by the relentless westward expansion of America that took no prisoners. We have as our heroes people who would as soon do us in as say hello.

Yet the power of the legends does not fade, even now. Our society is a mirror to the Old West, though we are far ahead of it in time. We visualize violence as a virtue–a hero’s path. Look at 80% of the films and television shows now available. It is a world, in that respect, that has not changed.

The question is–is this the truth we want? Is that why it persists? Or does it signal something else we are unwilling to give up?

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